Self-Improvement vs Seeking Status and Approval

There are two quite different ways people can respond when they see somebody who’s successful, respected, capable or already has the kind of life they want. One response is, “How do I become more capable myself?” You look at what somebody has achieved and it makes you think about your own ability, independence, knowledge, confidence or what you could become if you developed yourself properly.

The other response is more like, “How close can I get to that person, group or status?” Instead of asking how to become more yourself, the attention goes towards who already has what you admire, who has the reputation, who everybody listens to and who you might align yourself with. Both responses can look similar from the outside because both involve admiration, influence and other people, but internally they can be coming from very different places.

Learn from people, follow people and belong somewhere if it helps, but the aim should be becoming increasingly able to think, decide and act for yourself.

Becoming More Versus Belonging Near More

I think of the first response as developmental. You see somebody doing well and use it as information. You might learn from them, borrow an idea, watch how they work or notice something they do better than you currently do, but the direction of travel comes back towards yourself. The question becomes, “What can I become more capable of?”

You might want to become more financially independent, communicate better, learn a skill, get physically stronger, understand something properly or become somebody who doesn’t need to rely on another person’s approval before making a decision. The second response is more affiliative. The attention is placed on association. Who already has the status? Who’s considered the best? Who has the audience, money, influence, reputation or social approval? Who can I stand beside, follow closely or identify myself with?

There’s nothing automatically wrong with affiliation. Human beings naturally form groups, learn from other people and want to belong somewhere. The difference is whether belonging is helping you become more capable yourself, or whether the belonging has started replacing that development.

Admiring Somebody Isn’t the Same as Becoming Like Them

You can follow somebody for years without becoming any more capable. You can know everything about their career, repeat their opinions, buy what they recommend, defend them online and understand their story almost as well as they do, but none of that necessarily means you’ve developed the abilities you originally admired.

That distinction is easy to miss because being close to an idea can feel similar to living it. Following somebody who trains every day isn’t the same as becoming fitter. Watching somebody run a business isn’t the same as learning how to make your own decisions. Listening to somebody talk confidently doesn’t automatically make you more comfortable speaking for yourself. Other people can show you what’s possible, but at some point the attention has to return to what you’re actually doing with the information.

The GOAT Question Can Go in Two Directions

People love talking about who the GOAT is. The greatest athlete, entrepreneur, musician, fighter, creator or whoever happens to be important in a particular world. There’s a harmless side to that because it’s interesting to debate who’s best at something, and people naturally admire exceptional ability.

I think the more useful question sometimes comes afterwards: what do you actually admire? If you admire somebody because they’re unusually capable, consistent, creative, independent or willing to back themselves, the useful part isn’t only deciding that they’re great. It’s noticing the quality that caught your attention and asking what that tells you about yourself.

Maybe the question becomes, “How do I become my own GOAT?” Not literally the greatest person who’s ever lived, and not by pretending everybody needs to become exceptional. I mean becoming the strongest version of your own ability rather than spending most of your attention deciding which already successful person deserves your loyalty.

Surface Identity Can Get Involved

This is where Surface Identity can become relevant. Sometimes the people, brands, groups and ideas we associate ourselves with become part of how we want to appear. If somebody is respected, successful or culturally important, being visibly connected to them can give us a little of that meaning socially.

You see it everywhere. People mention who they follow, what communities they belong to, who they know, which brands they wear, what thinkers they agree with and which successful people they identify with. None of that means somebody is being fake, but the question is whether the association has become more important than what’s actually happening underneath it.

If you want to appear ambitious, capable or successful, it can be easier to surround yourself with symbols of those things than to go through the slower process of becoming more capable yourself. That’s one of the ways Surface Identity can create distance between how you appear and what you actually feel able to do.

Status Can Be Borrowed More Easily Than Ability

Status is unusual because some of it can rub off socially. Being seen with the right person, getting invited into the right room, working for a respected company or being part of a successful group can change how other people see you before your own ability has changed very much. Ability doesn’t work like that. You can stand beside the best boxer in the world and still not know how to box. You can work around extremely successful people and still avoid making decisions for yourself. You can be part of an intelligent group without personally understanding the subject very well.

That doesn’t make the association worthless. Access to capable people can be incredibly useful, but the value comes from what you learn, practise and eventually become able to do yourself. If the main reward is simply being able to say you were there, the association may be doing more for identity than development.

Copying Can Help at First

There’s also nothing wrong with copying somebody when you’re learning. Most people begin somewhere by observing people who are further ahead. You copy how somebody lifts a weight, writes something, speaks to customers, manages money, makes a video or approaches a difficult problem.

The important part is what happens next. Eventually, you should understand enough to make decisions without constantly checking what the other person would do. You should begin noticing what works for you, what doesn’t and where your own judgement differs. If you never move beyond imitation, you can become very good at reproducing somebody else without becoming particularly independent yourself. Learning from somebody should gradually give you more of your own ability, not make you permanently dependent on theirs.

Independence Changes the Question

I think independence is one of the clearest differences between these two ways of approaching people you admire. A developmental question moves towards independence. You want to know enough, practise enough or experience enough that you can eventually think and act for yourself.

An affiliative question can sometimes move in the opposite direction. You keep looking outward for the person who already knows, already has the answer or already has the social proof that tells you what to think. Again, that doesn’t mean you should ignore experts or decide you know everything yourself. Independence isn’t refusing help. It’s being able to use help without handing somebody else responsibility for your entire judgement. The aim is to become more capable because of what you’ve learnt from people, not permanently less confident without them.

Social Media Makes Affiliation Very Easy

Social media gives us constant access to people with visible status. You can follow somebody successful every day, hear their opinions, watch what they buy, learn how they spend their mornings and eventually feel as though you’re somehow part of their world. That can create a strange sense of progress. You’re consuming information about business, fitness, psychology, money or self-improvement, so it feels as though you’re moving forwards, and sometimes you genuinely are, while other times you’ve simply become very familiar with somebody else moving forwards.

The difference shows up in your own life. What do you understand now that you didn’t understand six months ago? What can you do that you couldn’t do before? What decisions are easier to make without asking somebody else? What have you actually tried? Those questions bring the attention away from the person you follow and back towards your own capability.

Being Part of Something Can Still Matter

There’s a danger of taking this idea too far and pretending everybody should become completely self-contained. We need people. We learn through other people, get opportunities through relationships, develop inside communities and often do better when we feel connected to something larger than ourselves.

Belonging can be good. The point isn’t to choose development instead of affiliation as though one is intelligent and the other is weak. It’s to notice which one is leading. You can belong to a group that makes you more capable. You can follow somebody whose work helps you think for yourself. You can admire somebody without making their identity part of your own. The healthier version of affiliation probably gives you somewhere to learn and connect without requiring you to become a smaller version of yourself to stay inside it.

Ask What You Actually Want From the Person You Admire

If you strongly admire somebody, it can be useful to ask what you want from that admiration. Do you want their lifestyle? Their ability? Their confidence? Their social approval? Their money? Their independence? The way other people respond to them?

Those aren’t the same thing. Sometimes we think we want what somebody has when we actually want what we imagine it says about them. The expensive car might represent success. The audience might represent importance. The job title might represent intelligence. Being known by certain people might represent belonging. Once you understand what you’re really drawn to, you can decide whether it’s something you actually want to develop or simply something you want other people to associate with you. That’s a much more useful distinction than deciding whether somebody is worth following.

Become More Capable Instead of Only Looking More Capable

There’s a quieter kind of confidence that comes from knowing you can do things yourself. You can solve a problem, learn something unfamiliar, make a decision, handle your money, create something, communicate clearly, organise your own life or work something out without needing somebody important beside you. Those things aren’t always very visible. They may not give you status immediately, and other people may never know how much more capable you’ve become. That doesn’t make them less valuable.

There’s a difference between appearing close to capability and actually becoming capable. One can change how people see you quite quickly, while the other changes what you can actually do.

Let Other People Point You Back Towards Yourself

The people you admire can still be useful. They can introduce you to ideas, show you different possibilities, demonstrate what high ability looks like and give you something to learn from. You don’t need to pretend you invented everything yourself or refuse to follow somebody because independence sounds better.

The useful test is whether following them eventually brings more of the attention back to you. Are you thinking more clearly for yourself? Are you becoming more confident in your own judgement? Are you developing abilities you didn’t have before? Are you trying things rather than only watching?

If the answer is yes, the affiliation is probably helping your development. If all that’s really changed is that you now know who the GOAT is, what they think and which side you’re supposed to be on, you may have gained an identity without gaining much ability. You can admire greatness without borrowing somebody else’s identity. Learn from people, follow people and belong somewhere if it helps, but keep asking what you’re becoming more capable of yourself. The more useful goal isn’t only finding the GOAT. It’s becoming somebody you can rely on.

FAQ

What’s the Difference Between Personal Development and Seeking Status?

Personal development is about becoming more capable, knowledgeable or independent yourself. Seeking status is more focused on how you’re seen, who you’re associated with or whether other people recognise your position.

Is It Bad to Follow Successful People?

No. Following successful or highly capable people can be useful if you’re learning something from them. The important thing is whether what you learn eventually improves your own judgement and ability.

Can You Become Too Dependent on People You Admire?

Yes. If you constantly need another person to tell you what to think, what to do or which decisions are correct, admiration can become dependence. Learning should gradually help you make more decisions for yourself.

What Does Surface Identity Have to Do With Status?

Surface Identity can become involved when the people, groups, brands or ideas you associate yourself with become part of how you want other people to see you. The external association can start carrying more importance than what you genuinely feel or can do underneath it.

Is Copying Successful People a Bad Thing?

Not necessarily. Copying can be a useful part of learning, especially at the beginning. The aim should be to understand what you’re copying well enough that you can eventually adapt it, question it and make your own decisions.

How Can I Become More Independent?

Start by developing the abilities that currently make you rely heavily on other people. That could mean learning how to make decisions, manage money, communicate, solve practical problems, understand a subject or trust your own judgement more.

Can Belonging to a Group Help Personal Development?

Yes. Good groups can expose you to useful ideas, support and people with more experience. Belonging becomes less useful when keeping your place in the group matters more than thinking for yourself.

How Do I Know if I’m Developing or Just Consuming Self-Improvement Content?

Look at what’s changed in your own life. If you understand more, can do more, make better decisions or rely less on other people for direction, the content is probably contributing to development. If you mostly know more about the people you follow, the change may be much smaller than it feels.